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  • Writer's pictureTorbjörn Strand

Let’s talk relationships at your workplace and your personal life.

(The picture is from a school trip to Geneva when I was 18, visiting CERN, the particle physics lab, I was big into natural science and metal music at that age, the music stays with me, tough in a different way)

How you relate to other people and your experiences of prior relationships influence your job situation, how satisfied you are in your job situation and what kind of jobs you are drawn to. Many just want to feel good at work and have the community, that’s fine, but that might keep you from your own development. Having a good community and a sense of belonging is important, my point is that your experiences and view on relationships might keep you from moving forward.

Ask yourself, am I in this job because I really want to? Or do I feel I need to be here, because I have an emotional connection or feel I have certain obligations so that I can’t let others down? Can I express my wants for development, or is that making be uncomfortable? Am I running away when there’s problems and conflicts? Am I the one running after others, when they run away?

You might be chasing the opportunities you can’t really get. Like a person running after partners that are unavailable, etc.

The attachment we created during our young years shows in romantic relationships and also other relationships, like at work. I think it’s influencing career development in a big way.

If you have a secure attachment from childhood, you are able to be on the same level as your colleagues or partner. You are there because you want to, not need to.

An insecure avoidant attachment type could make you isolate yourself and not expressing injustice, concerns and conflicts. You avoid certain conversations at work, you want everything to be about certain topics only.

A insecure anxious attachment could keep you from focusing on your actual strengths and skills. You might feel that the relationships are most important at work and you focus on them all to much, forgetting about the actual work and you have a hard time regulate your emotions by over focusing on the relationship.

Many insecure find each other and begin relationships, because it feel familiar or it might uphold the bad interactions of running away and bonding again, in a endless circle. If you have a insecure attachment, being with a person with a secure attachment might feel boring, because it’s so safe. Those always searching for action and entertainment might actually have a insecure pattern and would be better of by developing more security.

If you want to understand yourself and your partner better, being by asking how well you know each other? Go back to your childhood and go through what happened then?

At work you might apply the questions to a more current situation and look at interactions at your workplace.

So then, a little bit about my experience:

In my teenage years, as often the case, I had different relationships and I got to know just people in general and who I would like to be. It was about my position in relation to others. I didn’t understand this until later, but I want to find my place and get a sense of worth.

I was very focused on romantic relationships and really wanted to find someone to bond with. I actually felt like I would have been not whole or worthy without a partner.

I’m not exactly sure about my attachment pattern. I’ve tested it and in general it’s secure, but I have also got some parts as avoidant and one test showed that I had like a hyper-focus on the relationship in itself. It’s difficult to actually tell your attachment, even tough I did a test I found, which is used clinically, I couldn’t quite get it. I believe you need to talk with someone else to find out.

I came to the conclusion that it’s enough that I know how the attachment works and that I realize when I’m driven by compulsion, rather than healthy focus. I think it’s more of a compulsion, rather than being driven by feeling, it’s not quite the right explanation for it. I’ve read many books about attachment, and from the explanations I got the impression that you can’t really control your behavior when your attachment pattern activates.

The difficult is not to find someone to love, rather it’s about loving what you have.

For me the fear of separation have been a big part of my life. I wouldn’t agree on that it has anything to do with my adoption and getting to a new family at 5 months age, still it might have some impact. Your attachment pattern is created around 2 years of age, and I was so young.

Separation is a painful experience, there’s a lot to lose. Your mutual friends, shared time, everything about your partner that was so great. Same with a job that you love.

Being in separation is a grief process you should let yourself feel. Don’t go to the next partner too early. Let yourself feel and handle the situation by staying put, not running away. You might be uncertain if anyone will love you again, and if you can get any kind of job again, no matter if it was your decision to go or not.

Something is activated in separation, your basic patterns and feelings. There’s something special about it, and you might get addicted to separation. Your self-esteem might take a tool and therefore you want to get into a new relationship right away.

That’s true with romantic and job relationships, many are soo anxious being in the middle. When it’s actually nothing bad, and an opportunity for your own development.

I realize that I was trying to heal a part of me by exposing me for separations and eventually I would not feel so much for them. This was not such a good strategy, because old patterns can be activated any time and it’s not by doing the same thing you reach the next level of just letting go.

What I did instead was learning how to be on my own and accepting that I can be on my own, not using any kind of love and sexual matters as the basis of my self worth and esteem.

I did all the mistakes you can do, in my opinion. Exposing myself for separation and starting relationships with people that were doomed to fail right from the beginning. I realize I was not coming from a neutral and non-attached standpoint, it was more that I need to be with you no matter what. I was very needy and lowering my value by letting the other person decide and I adjusted to that.

Some of my relationships i recall were kind of more secure, but that felt weird and I wanted to get out. I wanted drama and strong emotions. This made me not accepting break-ups and making up all sort of stupid shit to make the other feel like i needed care and sympathy, in order to feel ok.

There were not a lot of relationships I had in total, but I did some stupid shit in my opinion, not showing I wanted the secure and trusting relationship I really wanted.

So the first ones were like a training for the real deal, and then when I met my current partner, I still had much crap in my baggage, she also had her stuff she brought with her, as with everyone. The biggest difference were that we were able to be honest and authentic in our company, there’s nothing we can’t talk about and there’s no behavior we can’t show or be. We can be as we are with each other. This sometimes makes it boring and my want for action makes me search for variety.

We have been together for over 10 years now, and at one point I f**** up, I actually knew I was acting from my attachment pattern, not from the real and adult me, but i couldn’t help it. I fell into old habits and reacted to a person who’s attachment patterns triggered my attachment patterns. I understood what was happening, so I eventually got out of it, before anything real happened, it all stayed on a emotional level. I learned how to be comfortable on my own and learned my lesson.

I don’t know if it was the fact I was adopted at a young age, if it’s some gene I’ve got from my biological parents, or if it’s the result of growing up in a dysfunctional family with alcohol and emotional problems. Things I have with me and experienced. I strongly believe you can heal and learn from life, but you need to start doing things differently and not do things that are two sides of the same coin.

What are your experiences of attachments, in romantic and job relationships? Can you see the connection from your childhood and your job history or situation?

Want to talk more about your career and its development? Reach out to me, I have an holiday offer in december 2022 for fast action takers and another offer in January 2023.

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